Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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