dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Acid is not a monday night drug
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
