I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
