afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
