If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
