I'm really into asian looking animals
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
