Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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