Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
