I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How does it feel to date your dad?
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