i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
