So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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