Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
