I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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