if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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