Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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