She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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