She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
