I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
