someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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