Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
