FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
