i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
