What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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