my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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