I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
