K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
