Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
