He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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