Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
