I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
