My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
