i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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