Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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