i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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