im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
