I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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