i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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