I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
