Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I forget how to act sober
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize