Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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