im six kinds of drunk right now
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
