i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
