Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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