i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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