You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
