I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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