Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
