I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
