There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
