I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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