if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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