I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
