I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
