Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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