we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
