No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
this just has baby written all over it
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
