I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
