My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
