wakey wakey hands off snakey
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
