She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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