when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
