My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
