i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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