then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
