I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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