Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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