nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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