There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
